30 December 2008
Corporate Cavemen #2
Most days at work, Dick encounters behaviour so awkward, strange or downright repulsive he spews in his mouth a little. These are his stories.
For a while, I sat near a young senior associate I’m going to call Augusto Pinochet. Pinochet was sub-30, militant, and monstrously ambitious. The running joke was that Pinochet would kick his dying grandmother in the shin to make partner. Funny as this was, I called bullshit. Pinochet wouldn’t just kick his grandmother in the shin. Rather, the process would go something like this:
· Locate the problem (grandmother).
· Isolate the solution (shin-kicking).
· Delegate the task to a junior.
· Be unhappy with junior’s work.
· Force junior to go back and do it again.
· “Settle” junior’s work by going at it himself.
One time, during the course of a loud and particularly brutal telephonic shin-kicking of some poor grandmother, I transcribed Pinochet’s side of the conversation…
“It is not a big deal ok, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL!” Pinochet was worked up.
He paused, listening. Then, clearly interrupting –
“AND SECONDLY THIS IS NOT EVEN MY AREA!” He screamed.
He paused again, while the future victim of Operation Condor on the other end of the phone explained themselves.
He interrupted again, smug this time: “And I don’t think they’re going to want to pay whatever an hour to have a contract drafted!”
The victim said something. Whatever it was, it pissed Pinochet off.
Pinochet responded abruptly, “Anyway I’ll call X and I’ll speak to them tonight. Don’t bloody pass on messages to me!”
Another short pause.
Then, inexplicably, Pinochet pulled out his super-sweet, friendly tone for the farewell: “Ok, bye!”
But the victim couldn’t leave it at that. Clearly, they needed some clarification.
Not happy, Pinochet: “Monday, MONDAY!” he screamed.
Then, it was over.
“Bye,” he said flatly. Pinochet was out of fake friendliness.
He went back to work.
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